What Is Counterdependency Or The Resistance To Dependency?

Counter-dependency is a new word. It describes a phenomenon that is also fairly new: emotional detachment as a result of fear. For many people it is normal and human to strengthen the bond with others. So society expects people to develop family ties and ties to their community.

This kind of proximity exists in small towns. In contrast, in cities, especially in the larger cities, there seems to be an epidemic of counterdependency. Many people do not want anyone to interfere in their lives. So they have many short-lived and superficial relationships. Counterdependency values ​​a life in seclusion.

Yet these people tend to complain that they feel lonely. After all, many of them want things to be different. However, they are not willing to make the necessary changes.

It’s like those people want others around them but not that the others are bothering them. They don’t want to be dependent. On the other hand, they actually do not want to pay the price of counterdependency. That’s the real contradiction.

The characteristics of counterdependency

Despite what people may initially believe, people with counterdependency problems are not loners. They also do not live in isolation or have a small circle of friends.

In fact, it is completely the opposite. Their fear of intimacy takes them to the other extreme. They go from one party to another and hang out with everyone. They are everywhere.

The main feature of counterdependency is the difficulty of connecting deeply with another human being. In addition, there are other aspects that help to recognize people with this problem:

• They easily establish relationships. After that, however, they end those relationships and don’t let them continue.
• These people say they “feel trapped” if someone wants to deal with them in a more confidential way.
• They distance themselves from others without prior notice.
• In addition, they feel empathy for people who are needy or missing others.
• They are also almost always “busy”.
• These people don’t ask for help, even if they do need it.

Run away before you suffer

The logic of someone with counterdependency is that you should avoid suffering at all costs. They feel that a strong bond with someone carries great risks. They are especially afraid of feeling vulnerable. They also fear the possibility that they will be abandoned.

As a result, they protect themselves in two ways. First, they create an outer shield that prevents them from feeling deeper emotions. Second, they leave the other person before they can leave them.

People with counterdependency rarely have conflicts with others. After all, conflicts require a certain degree of intimacy and connection. However, this is exactly what they avoid. Others may find their attitude very strange and incomprehensible. They can disappear every day without giving an explanation.

There are people who are more focused on success or on their goals than on relationships. They believe that relationships are not important. Sometimes they also believe that they are better than others. They then have the feeling that they are too developed and that others do not understand them. Or they think that others just want to take advantage of them.

An inner world permeated with fear

Behind people with counterdependency is fear in every sense of the word. This avoidance behavior is probably a result of past experiences. They have not completely recovered from those experiences.

Most likely there are struggles that they have not resolved or traumatic experiences during childhood. These people have been hurt or abandoned. That’s why they’ve decided to stop feeling. That way they don’t have to experience that pain again.

The problem, however, is that they believe their own lies over time. So they don’t think they have a problem. In fact, they believe the exact opposite. They think they are better than everyone else.

It is a compensation mechanism they rely on to be able to deal with their own vulnerability. At the same time, they are often very hard on themselves. They also judge their own mistakes the hard way.

People with counterdependency usually get tense whenever they find themselves in very personal or intimate situations. If they ever feel like they need another person, they experience shame and punish themselves.

They are also very distrustful of others. In general, they think that other people have hidden intentions or a hidden agenda.

Decision

Deep down, these people suffer greatly. They feel emptiness and loneliness. However, because they are careful, they give up on being happier. They do so even when given the opportunity to build positive relationships with others.

What is clear in any case is that these people need understanding and affection. They may also need professional help to help them come out of their shells.