Emotional Tourism: Drifting Aimlessly In Love
After a very painful breakup or several unsuccessful relationships, you may feel lost. You may see yourself as a ship bobbing around in the ocean that is constantly losing control. For many people, the only alternative to this is emotional tourism. You escape the situation without recovering from the past. However, your wounds can never heal this way.
Leaving someone you’ve been through so many things with doesn’t just hurt because of the physical distance that follows. Of course, it’s also (perhaps even more so) about emotional distance. The latter is precisely the most difficult to recover from because we resist that healing process.
Emotional tourism, an incomplete grieving process
After a breakup, many people go through a long grieving process. In this they learn little by little to accept what has happened: they have lost a life partner. At first, someone may try to deny it. Then follows despair, possibly combined with depression and severe anxiety.
The next stage is acceptance. Here you return to the real world and realize that the things you hoped for in the past are now a far away paradise. It’s time to start over now and meet new people. In the end, if everything goes well, you’ll feel like you’ve overcome your breakup. You will be able to objectively analyze the previous relationship and learn from past mistakes.
Emotional tourism develops among those who do not fully go through the grieving process. This can be the result of a self-defense mechanism or the time that passes, after which someone no longer has the ‘meaning’ in grieving.
Travelers without a destination
Emotional tourists jump from person to person, from one place to another and from one port to the next. They drift around without following any real direction. They are carried away by new sensations that they can experience and consider themselves true adventurers. They always seek pleasure, joy and euphoria, but never feel the need to commit to anything or anyone. They often feel no responsibility towards the people they are with.
We should not confuse these people with people who choose not to have a partner. Such people simply prefer to be single. However, emotional tourism is not a result of this. It’s more of a form of emotional self-sabotage.
Flights for long-term bonding
Emotional tourism plays people off against themselves (without them realizing it). Even if someone were ready to start a stable relationship with a new partner, they would still have to face the pain of their previous breakup.
Without realizing it, they are still stuck in the past. That is why they prefer to jump from island to island without stopping in between. There is no thinking between jumps. Even if the paradise they so longed for is found, these people will not allow love to prevail. They simply let go of the other after a while and move on.
Always leave the door open
If you talk to them, they may well try to convince you of their philosophy. “ It is better to regret what you have done than regret what you have not done.” So too: “ Come on, take the risk. If you don’t you never know what could have happened. Emotional tourists often prefer a ” see you later ” than a ” goodbye.” Thus they give the impression that they can return at any time. However, you know that at some point that won’t happen again.
Love in fits and starts
Their love comes in fits and starts. That’s how you see it, and if not more. The emotional tourist comes and goes. Their daily lives are under the influence and dominated by instability, excesses and selfishness. Those who are on the receiving end of contact with them learn to expect nothing more from these people after a while.
This behavior can take psychologically dangerous forms. It is a way of living “in the here and now” that can become addictive. One can become dependent on it. This is all the more true when emotional tourism becomes a real way of life. That way, life becomes one big session of tightrope walking. This can result in a pathological uncertainty.
Extreme Extroversion
Emotional tourists are often extroverted. They enjoy forming new friendships and sporadic relationships. They sometimes get just as much pleasure out of letting go of these relationships or even breaking them up. This makes them both desperate and motivated, making them more likely to continue than give up this way of life. Rarely are these relationships productive or otherwise good. These people would rather enjoy the journey than stop somewhere along the way for longer than necessary. Their lives are based on the here and now.
If it’s temporary, it allows me to learn
Having said all that, sometimes it’s a good idea to let go of your routine and see the world. Many people decide it’s time to broaden their horizons once they’ve bounced back from a long-term troubled relationship.
Perhaps such a person consciously decides to participate in emotional tourism to get rid of their pain. They are free to travel, get lost and find themselves again without hurting their loved ones. This way of doing things is often a very enriching learning experience, especially for very emotional people. In this way they learn to rebuild their lives again.
How to help an emotional tourist
Normally emotional tourists are not aware of how emotionally exhausted they are. If they do decide to listen to you, it’s a good idea to advise them to see a psychologist or psychotherapist. Only a relationship expert can help them make the necessary changes to normalize their lives.
In these cases, it is not about changing beliefs and values. This is about helping someone change their life. Their shell, which now functions as a rusted defense mechanism, must be broken. In this way it can be avoided that they are hurt again in the future by and in love.
