Seven Lessons Walter Riso Teaches Us

When I was seventeen years old I met Walter Riso. I still remember going through a rough patch in my love life when I got my hands on the book The Limits of Love . This book helped me to open my eyes to certain aspects of my personal life and to see how many mistakes I actually made, both towards my partner at the time and towards myself.

I had absorbed the hyper-romantic ideas that society is trying to make us believe, until I found that in most cases these ideas do a lot more harm than a lot of other evil things in this world.

Walter Riso is not only a writer, but also a clinical psychologist, an expert in cognitive psychology, a teacher and a counselor.

After reading The Limits of Love , I became interested in reading some of his other works as well – about twenty published books – and even to this day, Walter Riso is one of the authors who have had the greatest influence on my life. had.

In this article, I’ll try to summarize some of the lessons that have helped me most in my life, both personally and professionally,  although I recommend that you delve deeper into his thinking on your own.

The Dangers of Affection

Riso tells us that being affectionate means having an obsessive bond with something or someone. When we become attached to something, we often tend to think that this person or object can make us completely happy, give us a sense of security and most importantly, that this person or object will give meaning to our lives.

In reality, of course, this is a false idea that stems from the hyper-romantic ideas that our society presupposes and can cause a person to develop a form of pathological jealousy, emotional dependence, a lack of identity and many more problems.

There are several ways to find out if you are too attached to something or someone:

• By figuring out a way to find out if your desire is insatiable or not: if you are never satisfied and always need more, then you suffer from clingy.
• If you have lost control of yourself: if you can no longer control your own behavior, you are a slave to your own affection.
• If you feel extremely uncomfortable when the object you desire is not within your reach.

• If you remain attached to this person or object, even if you know it will only harm you.

Are vs. to have

One of the secrets to achieving personal growth is knowing how to value yourself as you are, for your own values, principles and essence and not for the sake of your possessions.

When we value ourselves based on our possessions, we place our happiness outside of ourselves, making us always dependent. We must be aware of the fact that we are much more than the things we have and that we must value the person we are.

The ideal me and the real me

Our insecurity always arises in the space between our ideal self and our real self. The real me is what I am, while the ideal me is the person I would like to become one day.

The problem is that we often don’t have a clear picture of our real selves and we tend to punish ourselves by only preoccupied with our shortcomings, without regard for our virtues. Conversely, we also set unrealistic and far too demanding goals for ourselves at the same time, making the distance between our real self and our ideal self much too great for us.

love vs. obsession

Saying things like “I only think about you,” “everything around me reminds me of you,” or “I can’t live without you” are signs of obsession, not love. When there is an obsession, there is no more room for love.

It is important that lovers learn to enjoy each other, to get excited about each other, without depending on each other and of course without losing their own identity. We are all individuals who have chosen to bind ourselves to another person and we must be able to untie ourselves at any given moment.

Look like each other so love can win

The statement ‘opposites attract’ is much more a myth than a reality. In reality, there must be similarities between two people for the relationship to work. It is clearly a matter of similarities in the most fundamental areas, the way of thinking, the values, the beliefs and the essences, and not in superficial aspects such as personal preferences or hobbies.

Fall in love with yourself first

Society teaches us that we have to make sacrifices and take care of the people around us before we start taking care of ourselves, while Riso teaches us that we are actually our most important customer.

We need to learn to love ourselves and for this we need four pillars:

• a healthy self-interest, without tormenting yourself, punishing yourself too much or talking unattainable goals;
• a positive self-image, which is based on your own criteria and not those imposed by society;
• praising yourself for your successes and achievements;
• and a good dose of confidence.

Feeling comfortable with emotional loneliness

Society tries to tell us that being alone means that you cannot be complete, which makes many of us feel sorry for people who go to the movies or sit on a terrace alone.

However, loneliness isn’t all that bad: loneliness gives us the opportunity to spend time with ourselves, to develop new ideas and to be completely free.

In reality, loneliness will only harm you if you are convinced that your personal achievements depend on whether or not you have a partner by your side. And this is nothing more than a false idea perpetuated by society. Therefore it is good to spend time alone, in which we ourselves can be our only company. It’s even good to do this once in a while if you do have a partner, so you can befriend loneliness instead of fearing it.