Forgiving Someone: Ridding Yourself Of Resentment In Order To Move Forward

Forgiving someone also means getting rid of something. It refers to an act of courage by which people set aside rancor, which eats them up inside and keeps them captive, in order to accept what has happened and to move on. It is also a restructuring of the ‘I’, a psychological path where damage and negative emotions are repaired in order to find our inner peace little by little, day by day.

Whenever we look for information on the psychology of forgiveness, we find books and documents related to personal growth, the study of morals, and even the world of beliefs or spirituality. Are there any scientific studies about what is forgiven, how to do it and what it does to our physical and emotional balance to be able to take this step?

The answer to this is of course ‘yes’. The  American Psychological Association has a variety of works and studies about what is meant by forgiveness and what is not.  And about how our societies in this world, through the ages so full of conflict, have not always been able to make progress in that sense: a dimension that in turn determines our mental well-being.

In reality, and it’s worth remembering, many of us have a current account of something that happened in our past that diminishes our present happiness, diminishes our ability to build a more satisfying present. Everyone somehow holds a small amount of resentment against someone or something, and it would be good to start to heal this resentment…

Forgiving someone to avoid personal ‘wear and tear’

The best way to delve into this subject of psychology is to distinguish between what is forgiven and what is not. In the first place, forgiving doesn’t mean we have to pretend that what happened at one point was okay, if it wasn’t. It also doesn’t mean that we should accept or reconcile with the person who hurt us. Even less that we should feel obligated to be close to or feel sorry for that person.

The psychology of forgiving, in reality, provides us with the appropriate strategies to take the following steps:

• Accept that things happened a certain way. Nothing that happened at that particular moment in our past can be changed. Therefore, we must stop worrying about it, losing energy, courage and health by imagining how things could have been if we had acted differently, if we had done this instead of that.

The psychology of forgiving, in turn, tells us that we are under no obligation to understand nor accept the values ​​or thoughts of the one who has hurt us. Forgiving someone is not the same as showing mercy, nor seeking justification for what we have suffered. We must never give up our dignity.

• It has more to do with facilitating the grieving of the resentment, the layering of the anger, the intensity of despair, and the blockage that prevents us from breathing. For that it is necessary to stop hating the one who has hurt us.

On the other hand, there is one important aspect that we usually forget. Forgiveness is the cornerstone of any relationship, be it a love affair, a friendship, or any other type of relationship. Remember that not everyone sees things the same way we do. In fact, there are as many different perceptions, approaches, and opinions as there are days in a year.

Sometimes we see certain actions as an insult or something derogatory, when it is simply a simple disagreement or misunderstanding. Therefore, and in order to stop seeing betrayal where there is none, we must be able to widen our sense of understanding and our capacity for forgiveness.

The psychology of forgiveness, the key to health

dr. Bob Enright of the University of Wisconsin is one of the most celebrated experts in the psychology of forgiveness. After more than three decades of analyzing cases, researching and writing books on the subject, he has come to a conclusion that may catch our attention. Not everyone gets it done, not everyone is able to take the step towards forgiveness. The reason for this lies in the belief that forgiveness is a form of weakness.

But that’s a mistake. One of the best things the psychology of forgiving teaches us is that forgiving someone, taking the step to do so, gives us the opportunity to incorporate new values ​​and strategies into our existence that will help us cope with any source of stress and anxiety. In addition, it allows us to move forward with greater freedom in the present. For forgiveness and the transformation of rancor into liberties is an act of courage and strength.

dr. Enright also reminds us that there are many reasons that justify the move to forgiveness. Best of all, we’ll get ahead in health. There are many studies that show the close relationship between forgiveness and reduction of anxiety, depression and other conditions that can completely decrease our quality of life.

So let’s apply some of the following strategies to make the road to forgiveness easier:

• Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is learning to think better and understand that we are not obliged to reconcile, but accept it happened without feeling ‘weak’ when we take this step. Forgiving someone means freeing ourselves from the many burdens we don’t deserve and yet carrying them with us for the rest of our lives.

• Hate takes away our energy, courage and hope. We must therefore learn to forgive in order to survive, to live with greater dignity.
• Therapeutic writing and journaling can help us.
• We also need to understand that time alone does not help. By letting days, months and years go by, our hatred does not go away or we do not forget what happened. Let’s not save the discomfort we feel today for tomorrow.
• Forgiveness is a process. That is something we also need to understand. We may never be able to completely forgive the other person, but we can relieve ourselves of much of our resentment so that we can ‘breathe’ a little more easily…

We can conclude that the psychology of forgiveness covers a wide area and is closely related to themes such as health and well-being. It is a field that offers us fantastic strategies that we can apply to many situations in our lives, at work and in our daily relationships. Being able to forgive is therefore one of the best qualities and virtues that people can develop.

Bibliography

Worthington, T.y Williams, David R. (2015). Perdon y Salud. Madrid: Akal

Prieto, U. (2017). Perdon y salud: introducción a la psicología del perdon. Madrid: Universidad Pontifica Comillas

Enright, R.D., & Fitzgibbons, R. (2015). 9 Forgiveness Therapy. Amer Psychological