Why Are You Still Here After All This Time?

Why haven’t you left me after all this time? Why didn’t you leave when you can think of enough things that would be better than being with me? I’m a boring person, melodramatic rather than sociable and when I say something I later regret, it hits the mark. What the hell is wrong with you that you keep looking at me with joy on the days when I remind you again that sadness does exist?

You are a crazy person, one of those few crazy people who still exist. Sorry to say this, but today I can’t hide the truth. I do not want that either. I do not feel like it. Today I can’t fool you, I can’t hide my feelings. Just like I couldn’t when everything was meaningless. So today I ask you to listen to me.

There are people we can always go back to, even if we isolate ourselves from them and are light years away from them in another star system. These people equal warmth and closeness, with these people we form a bond at first sight. An unwavering and unique sound.

Please read on…

You were my walking stick when I was blind. You didn’t mind assisting me, even though you knew I wouldn’t find anything in many of the places I searched. Despite your warnings, you never said to me afterwards ‘I warned you anyway’.

I want to say something to you: without you I would never have come this far and I would have been left behind, without you I would never have searched for that last bullet in my pocket that I have now squeezed my fist tight around.

You didn’t tell me to leave, despite all my fights that left you scarred too. Scars that I’m looking at now that make me feel blessed because I could count on you. Footprints are proof that you have become a part of me, we performed a ritual where everything is shared, even blood…

It’s up to you to realistically estimate the damage and connect the dots. You nursed my wounds while simultaneously telling a lame joke, knowing that it might sting a little at first, but at least it wouldn’t infect the wound.

You also made several toasts with me, looking me in the eye and using the pauses between two words to ask for the next word. Because you have known me for years and because you know that I will not change my essence, even if you can negotiate with it.

I showed you the worst side of myself, the side I’m not proud of at all, and you refused to believe me when I told you I could be just that when things get out of hand.

You didn’t believe in the evidence and you told me that with faith you can move mountains as proud as mine, hoping that one day I would realize that everything is not pitch black, dark and gloomy at all.

You didn’t let me forget the good times and you kept talking about them with hope, as if they were a thread I could pull on. The rock in the surf where I could grab myself with the hand you set free.

You are important to me too

I will not let you forget these words, because they are true. I will remind you again and again so that you will understand that your effort has paid off. That while I don’t understand rationally what the hell you’re doing here, I’m super grateful that you’re here.